FoTR: Extreme Glowing Vortex of Deep Dingery Doo
by nemesis4
Summary: uhm... i mock other fanfics that dont make sense, in my non making sense ways! this story mocks other stories where one's own self is inserted into the mix. Legolas gets his hand chopped off, Aragorn mistakes Gimli for Arwen.


what's this? another alternate ending to FoTR(the movie version)?   
  
  
....yep you got it! this story spawned from a bunch of crazy rambling shit my sister and i made up, it's not finished, as you can see, but just nod, say yes, and act like it is!  
i'd also like to warn you, and tell you that i am a terrible speller, and ever worse with grammar, so just accept my lack of skills. (In this story, I am Deanna and my sister is Brittany, so now you know! and knowing is half the battle!)  
.....and yes, i have read the books.  
  
~  
  
Frodo was paddling accross the river, Sam was walking into the water after him, but before anything important Frodo stopped and looked down.  
"I FORGOT MY PANTS! SAM WE GOTTA DO THIS AGAIN!" Frodo quickly paddled back to the shore with Sam, and got his pant offa Sam. "Thanks Sam.."  
"OOuuugGHOHOH!!" Sam grabbed his ass. "I GOTTA GO!"   
(fades to black)  
Sam ran down to the shore, and hopped into a canoe. Frodo ran after him, unbuttoning his now shit-covered shirt.  
"SAAAMMM!! YOU SHOT SHIT AT ME!!!" Frodo tossed his shirt into the water, "SAAAMMM! Come BAAACCKKK!! I'm not going to HARM YOOOU!"  
"No... Frodo.." Sam paddled on.  
"What do you hope to acomplish?! I _HAVE_ the ring!" Frodo walked into the water.  
"FRODO! YOU CAN'T SWIM!"  
"The hell I can!" Frodo tried to swim to Sam, but failed miseribly.  
"FROOODDOOO!!!" Sam tried ever-so hard to get over to his drownding sexy-bitch. Frodo (who was holding his now very wet-shit covered shirt) sinking.  
"Guugglllellgubnll!" Frodo was TRYING to say 'Sam you asshole! you killed me!' but he wasn't dead yet. Sam reached his arm into the water, and tried to pull Frodo into the canoe.  
"Frodo...." Sam said looking at Frodo's boob. Sam and Frodo hugged in the way they hug, and Frodo still had his shit-shirt in his hand, so it rubbed all over Sam's back, Sam didn't mind, because it all worked out so Frodo wasn't WEARING his shirt.  
"OOOH HA PUAAHCHHAAYYKKKAAYYAA GOOO!!!" A female-person jumped out of no where into the boat, wearing one of those big african masks. Frodo and Sam got scared, and thought that this broad was going to flip the boat, so they pushed her into the drink.  
Sam and Frodo both watched her go under, but she never came back up, all they seen was the mask floating away. Sam and Frodo made it to the other shore, and got out, Frodo stopped for a few seconds to wash the shit out of his shirt.  
  
Meanwhile with Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas.  
  
"Sam and Frodo have made it to the other shore!" Legolas stood there, pointing out the painfully obvious. Just then these two broads came out of no where. One was drenched, the other one was just very amused looking.  
"Who the eff are YOU two?!" Legolas asked, TRYING to be such a badass.  
"WE ARE THE DOOB AND BOOB!" The bigger one said, she was wearing a black shirt and cape, but for some reason, she didn't have any pants on, and was wearing a dark brown pair of short short undees.  
"Ahem.. What she means to say is, We're just a couple of wild and crazy space explorers!" The younger looking one, was wearing a Royal Bank(tm) t-shirt, and a cape made out of a bed sheet, and she too had no pants on, she was wearing leopard skin short short undees.  
"We are?" the bigger one said, questioning her abbility to freek seedom.  
"Shuttup D! You're making an ASS of me infront of Aragorn!" The younger broad grumbled at the bigger broad; this so called "D"  
"Well B, at least _I_ didn't SAY we were SPACE EXPLORERS!" D yelled into B's ear. Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas started to wonder what the HELL was going on.  
"So... Who are you then?" Aragorn asked.  
"HIIIIII!!! I'M BRIITT! BUT PEOPLE CALL ME B!! AND THIS IS MY SISTER DEANNA! BUT PEOPLE CALL HER D!!!" Britt yelled very unaturally. Deanna sweatdropped.  
"HOME RICHARD!!" Deanna pointed, ran up to Legolas with her arm outstretched, poked him in the eye, and jumped into the water, to follow after her sweet Frodo. Britt picked her nose, and started to wipe the "Debris" in Gimli's beard.  
"OH NO! She's slowly getting away!" Legolas pointed out, being the usless shit that he is. Deanna swam on.  
"...Why don't you go in after her then?" Aragorn asked, putting his sword away, trying not to notice Britt staring at him.  
"GOOD IDEA! I CAN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING WORTH WHILE!" With that Legolas RIPPED his clothes off down to his very very small thong, and ran into the water upto his knees, and then ran back out screaming. "HHHrgh it's COLD!"  
"..Ass..." Aragorn mumbled under his breath, and turned around to glimpse his 'blade'. Britt seen this opertunity to grab some sweet Aragorn-ass, she lunged hands first, but Aragorn kind of stepped out of the way, allowing Britt to fly face first into a big-steaming-pile of elephant shit.  
"AHAHHAAHAOOOOOOGGGUUHHHHGGGHGIIOOOHHHHHAHHHH!!" Legolas howled like some sort of elf... wolf. Aragorn turned back around to see what Legolas found so funny. He seen Britt face down in the pile of elephant shit, he broke out in histerical laugher, along with Legolas. Gimli didn't notice what was going because he was too busy trying to comb the "debris" out of his beard.  
"That is no where near properly digested!" Britt uttered lifting her face out of the shit, that just made Aragorn and Legolas laugh harder. Legolas was back in his clothes, and was rolling around on the ground, suddenly he stopped, as a puddle came out from under him. Aragorn sighted him pissing his pants, and cried because it was all too funny. Britt; now washing her face in the water, glimpsed this.  
"HAHAHHAHA! HE PISSED HIMSELF!" and started to laugh like there was no tomorrow. Legolas looked hurt and stood up, he wiped a tear, pushed a canoe into the water, and jumped into it. Gimli ran passed the laughing Aragorn and Britt, and into the water after Legolas who was paddling away; crying.   
"LEEEGOOOOLLLLLAAASSSSSSSSS!!!!" Gimli yelled.  
"No Gimli.." Legolas said in a Frodo kind of way. Gimli pulled a Sam, and walked out farther, "GIMLI! YOU CAN'T SWIM!" Legolas yelled.  
"SHIT!" Gimli tried to AXE the water, hoping that would make him swim, but he failed. Legolas went back to Gimli and reached into the water trying to save him, but Gimli was panicing, and kind of AXED off Legolas' hand.  
"MY HAAA-AAND!" Legolas screamed, he was in shock so the pain didn't hit him yet. Legolas was so stunned, he leaned over too far and flipped the boat, by now Gimli was dead, Legolas could touch the bottom, and stumbled back to the shore. "Gimli... Gimli is dead..."  
"Gimli?" Aragorn asked.  
"Yeah, you know, kind of short and tubby, with a big beard, ya know with the axe.." Britt said.  
"That was Gimli? I thought it was Arwen.." Aragorn looked sort of shocked  
"..." Britt raised an eyebrow.  
"Uh oh.." Aragorn hung his head in shame.  
"DON'T ANY OF YOU CARE THAT I LOST MY ARROWING HAND!" Legolas stomped his feet, Britt and Aragorn looked at Legolas. Legolas was still in somewhat shock.  
"That bastard got your hand.." Britt said in an Ocelot sort of way.  
"DAMN RIGHT HE DID!" Legolas started to look very upset, and Britt thought about comforting him, but decided not to. Aragorn looked at Britt.  
"So how the HELL did _YOU_ get here?!" He looked quite offended.  
"I donno, me and my sister just sort of sat around very late one night, and this story was the result... it's not _MY_ fault..." Britt shifted her weight onto her other leg.  
"Well, Legolas and I are going to go and try to save Merry and Pippin..."  
"And I intend to follow.." Britt giggled.  
"...Fuck.." Legolas was now laying on his back, screaming and moaning in pain.  
"Maybe we should help him?" Britt suggested.  
"Nah, lets not and say we did..." Aragorn picked up his belongings, Legolas, and trudged off into the forest, Britt of course, followed him.  
  
~back with the still falling Gandalf.  
  
"You know... remind me to kill some dwarves if I ever stop falling..." Gandalf started to get very close to the wall, still falling, ever so falling, he fell down and dooowwnnn.   
"...Ship..." (Cause Gandalf does not swear) Gandalf looked down into the darkness, and noticed an small ridge-edge-thing that came out of the side of the wall, Gandalf flapped his arms, thinking that he could fly for some.. reason... but with no avail, Gandalf's legs hit the wall, sending him spinning, spinning, down into the depths of this so called "zorro abyss". Gandalf spun around and around and around and around, this gave him an idea "MAYBE IF I WERE A PROPELLER!" and some how the wood and some nails and a hammer, and some other shit just happened to be spinning with him, so some how Gandalf made this flying machine, and attached him self on to it, somehow. He flew up and out of the briney deep, this "zorro abyss".  
"I am the king... simple as that!" Gandalf flew off to find Frodo, and the rest.  
  
~meanwhile with Elrond.  
  
"LETS TALK ABOUT SEX BABY! LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU AND ME!" Elrond danced around listening to his.. uhh walkman (he has a walkman?) as he made that bed that Frodo was in.   
"Hey Lord Elrond!!" A voice said from above. Elrond couldn't hear whoever it was over his music. "ELLLRROOONNNDDOOOO!" Elrond still couldn't hear the person, so this 'person' chucked it's shoe at the back of Elrond's head.  
"HEY! WHHAAAADYYYAA DOO THAAAAT FOR?!" Elrond turned off his music, and looked around "WHO DID THAT?!"  
"..I did...." Elrond looked up to see Gandalf flying in one spot with his so called "Flying Machine"  
"Gandalf you old fart! GET THE HELL DOWN HERE SO I CAN KICK YOU IN THE NADS!" Elrond tossed his walkman onto the bed. Gandalf jumped out of his machine, and onto the bed as well.  
"Hey baby!" Gandalf rolled on his side and looked at Elrond. Elrond looked sort of insulted.   
"..Gandalf, aren't you supposed to be like ... 'in the shadow' or something right now?" Elrond looked around for his copy of the fellowship of the rings(tm).  
"Uhm, shuttup, I am sick and tired of falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and falling and fallin-"  
"I get the FREEKIN' PICTURE, YOU OLD MAN!!" Elrond stomped his foot, Gandalf looked hurt and got up.  
"COME! WE MUST FIND THE REST OF THE FELLOWSHIP! Elrond, you get the goods, I'll uhh.... figure out how to makemyself spin fast enough for a propeller." 


End file.
